Hello there!
To be completely honest, this is the fourth time that I have started this particular entry because I’ve been at a loss for words lately. As noted in the previous blog post from the beginning of the month, it’s been a rough journey so far. These last few weeks were no exception.
Every time in the last two weeks that I went to start a new entry, all I could come up with is how miserable I am and how I regret this decision and really, who wants to read that? I know I sure don’t and I technically started this blog so that I would have something to look back on in the future.
The last few days have been pretty great, but prior to that, it was just….pure shit, for lack of a better adjective. I joked (because that’s my coping mechanism) with friends that my life consisted of sleeping, crying, fantasizing about food, and taking vitamins. And seriously, that’s what it felt like. That was it. That summed up my entire existence for the last three weeks. I felt worthless, hopeless, frustrated, depressed, and worst of all, like I had made the biggest mistake of my life.
I was starving all the time. Not just like, “oh I’m hungry, I should eat” hunger, but ravenous, angry hunger that made me want to die/cry because after two bites of food, I couldn’t eat anymore and yet I was still not satisfied. As I mentioned before in my last post, I was told that this surgery would remove the “hunger hormone” that grows in your stomach and that I wouldn’t have the feelings of hunger anymore, or at least not for quite some time, until that hormone grows back…or something medical like that lol… so feeling this intense hunger, not really being able to eat anything due both to the size of my stomach, the newness of the surgery, and my liquid diet I was still supposed to be on was just making me miserable.
I decided shortly after my last post that if I was going to make it out of this whole thing alive, I needed to go back to work. I went back yesterday and it was amazing. Someone write that down because I give it another week or so until the shine wears off and I don’t want to be there anymore! It was so great to see my work friends and coworkers and to just get back into a routine. While on leave, I was sleeping 12+ hours a night, then taking a 3-4 hour nap most afternoons, which undoubtedly was fueling my depression.
At my appointment on Wednesday, I expressed my frustrations regarding the hunger and was told by the doctor that I could be prescribed an appetite suppressant. The nutritionist told me I was probably “grazing” and consuming too many calories. And the psychologist told me that I was too damn much in my own head and I needed to go back to work, get some routine, and start chewing food so it would register in my brain that I was eating.
After getting three different answers from three different professionals who are supposed to be part of ONE interdisciplinary team, I was ready to start researching where in Mexico I could go to get a full-size stomach put back in me!
I was so, so frustrated because while I lost 12lbs in the week after my surgery, I had gained 3 back and was kind of fluctuating over/under with that three pounds. I couldn’t figure out why, if my basal metabolic rate was near 1800 and I was barely consuming 400 calories a day, why the weight wasn’t just dripping off. My doctor, nutritionist, and psychologist all explained it differently, but basically all said this:
I dropped SO MUCH weight so quickly the first week that my body went into starvation mode; that coupled with the fact that I was spending most of my time in bed, caused my body to panic and start storing the fat that was already on me. They further explained that getting back to a routine at work, eating regularly every 3-4 hours and staying within my 400-500 daily calorie range should jump start my body into losing again.
Thankfully, they were right. I was pretty active on Wednesday, doing stuff around the house and running errands. I was at work yesterday and today and I’ve dropped four (4) pounds from my weigh in at the doctor on Wednesday, for a total of 29 pounds lost so far since I started my pre-op diet on 1/9/2018. According to the doctor, at the 12-week mark, to deem the surgery “successful” and that everything is working as it should, I should be down 42lbs total. The 12-week mark is roughly around April 17 and I’m already over halfway there so that is very encouraging to me.
After a few crappy weeks, I definitely could use the encouragement. I think I’ve said it before but this process has been super isolating. My close friends and family have been nothing short of amazing and so supportive, but unless someone is going through the exact thing you are at the exact same time, it’s hard for people to relate. Even those that I know that have had the surgery all had totally different experiences from me, and from each other. Everyone is different. I haven’t had any of the “side effects” that they warned me about but I’ve had about a dozen that they didn’t. Everyone’s journey is going to be different.
I’m getting back into the swing of things with work, I’m a lot more active and will begin working out on a regular basis in the next few weeks. I feel A TON better than I did just two days ago and I’m super grateful for that. I know it’s still going to be a long process that will have its ups and downs, but after the last three weeks, I know I can get through anything.
As always, thank you for all the love and support! xo
Operation: Me 