look at the stars, look how they shine for you….

Hello there!

To be completely honest, this is the fourth time that I have started this particular entry because I’ve been at a loss for words lately.  As noted in the previous blog post from the beginning of the month, it’s been a rough journey so far.  These last few weeks were no exception.

Every time in the last two weeks that I went to start a new entry, all I could come up with is how miserable I am and how I regret this decision and really, who wants to read that?  I know I sure don’t and I technically started this blog so that I would have something to look back on in the future.

The last few days have been pretty great, but prior to that, it was just….pure shit, for lack of a better adjective.  I joked (because that’s my coping mechanism) with friends that my life consisted of sleeping, crying, fantasizing about food, and taking vitamins.  And seriously, that’s what it felt like.  That was it.  That summed up my entire existence for the last three weeks.  I felt worthless, hopeless, frustrated, depressed, and worst of all, like I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

I was starving all the time.  Not just like, “oh I’m hungry, I should eat” hunger, but ravenous, angry hunger that made me want to die/cry because after two bites of food, I couldn’t eat anymore and yet I was still not satisfied.  As I mentioned before in my last post, I was told that this surgery would remove the “hunger hormone” that grows in your stomach and that I wouldn’t have the feelings of hunger anymore, or at least not for quite some time, until that hormone grows back…or something medical like that lol…   so feeling this intense hunger, not really being able to eat anything due both to the size of my stomach, the newness of the surgery, and my liquid diet I was still supposed to be on was just making me miserable.

I decided shortly after my last post that if I was going to make it out of this whole thing alive, I needed to go back to work.  I went back yesterday and it was amazing.  Someone write that down because I give it another week or so until the shine wears off and I don’t want to be there anymore!  It was so great to see my work friends and coworkers and to just get back into a routine.  While on leave, I was sleeping 12+ hours a night, then taking a 3-4 hour nap most afternoons, which undoubtedly was fueling my depression.

At my appointment on Wednesday, I expressed my frustrations regarding the hunger and was told by the doctor that I could be prescribed an appetite suppressant.  The nutritionist told me I was probably “grazing” and consuming too many calories.  And the psychologist told me that I was too damn much in my own head and I needed to go back to work, get some routine, and start chewing food so it would register in my brain that I was eating.

After getting three different answers from three different professionals who are supposed to be part of ONE interdisciplinary team, I was ready to start researching where in Mexico I could go to get a full-size stomach put back in me!

I was so, so frustrated because while I lost 12lbs in the week after my surgery, I had gained 3 back and was kind of fluctuating over/under with that three pounds.  I couldn’t figure out why, if my basal metabolic rate was near 1800 and I was barely consuming 400 calories a day, why the weight wasn’t just dripping off.  My doctor, nutritionist, and psychologist all explained it differently, but basically all said this:

I dropped SO MUCH weight so quickly the first week that my body went into starvation mode; that coupled with the fact that I was spending most of my time in bed, caused my body to panic and start storing the fat that was already on me.  They further explained that getting back to a routine at work, eating regularly every 3-4 hours and staying within my 400-500 daily calorie range should jump start my body into losing again.

Thankfully, they were right.  I was pretty active on Wednesday, doing stuff around the house and running errands.  I was at work yesterday and today and I’ve dropped four (4) pounds from my weigh in at the doctor on Wednesday, for a total of 29 pounds lost so far since I started my pre-op diet on 1/9/2018.  According to the doctor, at the 12-week mark, to deem the surgery “successful” and that everything is working as it should, I should be down 42lbs total.  The 12-week mark is roughly around April 17 and I’m already over halfway there so that is very encouraging to me.

After a few crappy weeks, I definitely could use the encouragement.  I think I’ve said it before but this process has been super isolating.  My close friends and family have been nothing short of amazing and so supportive, but unless someone is going through the exact thing you are at the exact same time, it’s hard for people to relate.  Even those that I know that have had the surgery all had totally different experiences from me, and from each other.  Everyone is different.  I haven’t had any of the “side effects” that they warned me about but I’ve had about a dozen that they didn’t.  Everyone’s journey is going to be different.

I’m getting back into the swing of things with work, I’m a lot more active and will begin working out on a regular basis in the next few weeks.  I feel A TON better than I did just two days ago and I’m super grateful for that.  I know it’s still going to be a long process that will have its ups and downs, but after the last three weeks, I know I can get through anything.

As always, thank you for all the love and support! xo

it is well with my soul….

Not only has January been the LONGEST month in history (like seriously, it’s spanned the time of at least three months), the last 9ish days have been the longest ever as well.

I am 9 days post-op and feeling pretty…..miserable.  I’m not even going to lie.  Physically, I’m okay; great even.  The pain from surgery is pretty much gone.  But everything else that goes along with this process is pretty much awful.

The surgery went wonderfully.  To be honest, I don’t remember much of anything from the hospital thanks to the anesthesia and pain meds.  I do know that the pain was minimal, the nurses were awesome, and the support from my friends and family was second to none.  The calls, texts, visits, and flowers were amazing.  Odds are if you visited or we talked on the phone or texted at all on Tues, Wed, or Thurs of last week, I do not remember it very well, but I thank you all the same!

Wednesday after discharging from the hospital, I came home and went right to sleep.  Basically slept until 5pm on Thursday.  The anesthesia kicked my ass! I’m happy to say that I did not take any pain meds after leaving the hospital Wednesday and every day the pain, which wasn’t bad to begin with, has lessened and lessened and is nearly non-existent at this point.

I’ve had a few pretty rough days.  An unfortunate and uncommon side effect of general anesthesia is having a horrible taste and/or smell and it is AWFUL.  Hands down the worst part of this entire process so far.  It’s almost gone, thankfully, but wooooo boy did it cause some problems.  It made the protein drinks (my only source of protein and calories at this point in my post-op) to taste absolutely disgusting and I couldn’t even stomach them.  I was getting some broth in but again, it didn’t taste great and there’s not a lot of protein in that so it wasn’t helping much to keep me full.

And that’s another thing.  The surgeon told me this surgery was so wonderful because it completely removes the feelings of hunger.  Well that was a lie.  This past Sunday, I started getting the dreaded “hangry” feeling.  Which I suppose is fine when you can satisfy that hunger.  But when you’re basically only tolerating water and sugar-free popsicles, it can be a real bear!  A friend of mine who had the surgery a few years ago said she too had the hungry feeling.  I guess it just happens in some people.  The first few days after surgery when I had no conscious feeling of my stomach whatsoever, I had what they call “head hunger”, meaning that because I wasn’t eating, my head was telling me I was hungry even though I physically was not.  It was a much simpler time 😉

I’ve had my 1-week post-op with both the weight loss doc and nutritionist and the surgeon.  Everything is on track and they’re surprised at how well I’m doing physically.  I got scolded by the nutritionist for losing too much weight and not taking in enough calories (I was barely getting 150cal daily).  And for someone who has been told they’re overweight and eating too much for most of their life, that can be a really confusing thing to hear and I didn’t handle it well.

As of Monday this week, I was down 24lbs since I began my pre-op diet at the beginning of January.  After “getting in trouble” with my nutritionist on Tuesday and making more of an effort to consume protein and calories, I’ve gained 3lbs back.  I know I can’t let that deter me because some days will be like that.  I’m really noticing, more than the weight, the inches and how things feel and fit.  I can definitely tell in my legs and face.  A little bit in my arms.  Some in my chest and butt.  It does not feel like anything is going down in my stomach region, but the surgeon said it could still be a bit puffy from surgery.  He also said I need to start exercising ASAP.

It’s been hard to do anything but lay in bed because I feel so shitty emotionally and mentally.  When I say that I’ve been miserable, it’s not an exaggeration.  I have moments where I feel good and hopeful and normal, but most of the last week or so has been spent crying, questioning this decision, withdrawing from people, and wondering if I’m ever going to feel normal again.  In a matter of days, I let go of literally all of my vices.  Food, cigarettes, and caffeine.  I feel like I’m mourning the person I used to be and it doesn’t feel good at all.

I also think a lack of structure is playing a huge role in my misery as well.  While the idea of not being at work for 6 weeks sounds appealing, not having the day to day schedule to keep me occupied is driving me crazy.  I have a feeling I will be going back to work sooner than I planned.

For now, I’m going to focus on getting my calories and protein in and starting an exercise regimen.  I’m also going to work on getting out of the house more as I definitely think it lifts my spirits.

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the amazing support.  I have no idea where I’d be without all of the wonderful support of my friends and family!!

 

between the perfect world and the bottom line…

T-minus less than 24 hours to the big day!

I got the call and have to be at the hospital at 7:30 tomorrow morning.

All that anxiety I wasn’t having up until this point has hit me full force today.  I feel like I’m nesting.  Running around, cleaning up, packing my suitcase, doing laundry.  Lot’s of nervous energy.

Looking back at my last post, I kinda wanna smack myself.  I was so down and out and pitiful, but things have been looking up.  I made it through the last week of the liquid and lettuce diet successfully and have lost a total of 12lbs!

TWELVE!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still starving and the past two weeks have been the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been, but I did what I didn’t think I would be able to do and that was lose the required 10lbs.  It feels great.

Today, I’m on clear liquids only so I’m hoping that when I get on the scale tomorrow morning, the number might be even lower.

I could NOT have made it through the past few weeks without the support of my mom, my best friends, and even friends that aren’t so close.  I’ve said it before but the encouragement and support of most everyone around me in all aspects of my life (work, church, home) has been so overwhelming that I can’t help but feel like the most blessed girl in the world.  So if you’re reading this, you know who you are and I am eternally grateful for you and your love and support! Sometimes things are easier to put in writing than to say out loud.  But if you come visit me in the hospital and I’m on drugs, I might just tell you 😉

I’m super excited for the rest of this journey and I can’t wait to see where it takes me. Thanks for coming along for the ride!!

i am brave, i am bruised, i am who i’m meant to be…

In. My. Soul.

Do you understand?!

So the weekdays victory I wrote about the other night has given way to a not-so-victorious weekend.

To be blunt, I feel like shit. I’m STARVING. I’m depressed. My stomach is not feeling so hot. The protein shakes and broth are not cutting it anymore. And don’t even get me started on the lettuce.

Not sure if it’s just my body getting accustomed to the “food” and deciding it’s not enough or if it’s the lack of structure with it being the weekend and not having work to distract me.

I got on the scale on Saturday and it hasn’t moved which is disheartening given the fact that I’m only getting, at maximum, and I’m being super generous with this number, 900 calories a day.

Pretty much all of the anxiety I have about the surgery is gone and I just want it done NOW. At least my diet afterwards will not be nearly as restrictive as it is now.

I did a lot of cleaning and stuff yesterday in an effort to occupy my mind. I didn’t want to do too much and risk not having anything to do later this week. I’m starting to think taking this week off of work was a mistake. It’s quite a phenomenon that when I’m at work, I want nothing more than to be home and when I’m at home too long, I crave the structure and chaos of work. The grass is always greener, right?

I knew going into this that it wouldn’t be all puppies and unicorns but I figured that would happen after the surgery, not before. Everyone who has had the surgery said the pre-op diet is by far the worst part of the entire experience so I’m holding out hope that this is the worst of it.

I feel like I need to get up and go out and do something to get me out of this funk and then I realize going anywhere and doing anything involves two things I don’t/can’t have: money and food. So back to square one…

Sorry for the pity party I’m throwing myself. I’ll try to snap out of it soon.

I keep reminding myself of the end goal and it’s literally the only thing keeping me from rolling through the McDonald’s drive thru right now.

maybe i’ll get famous as the (wo)man that can’t be moved….

Day four of my liquid and lettuce diet.

I’m surprisingly not dying.  And I’m down 5lbs.

Don’t get me wrong.  It sucks.  I want nothing more than to eat EVERYTHING.

Being someone who has spent most of her adult life trying NOT to be hungry by eating any and everything to avoid feeling that way, I really thought that this being starving and not fulfilled by protein shakes and lettuce was going to be a flippin’ disaster.

But so far, so good.  I’m hungry all the time and nothing is satisfying that hunger at this point, but I keep reminding myself of the end goal.

I was discussing it with one of my BFFs, about how surprised I was that I wasn’t a horrible, cranky bitch (or more so than normal lol) and she suggested that I’m in the right frame of mind and I know that to get to the surgery, I HAVE to do this.  I didn’t really think about it that way, but it definitely makes sense.  So thanks, friend!

I’ve managed to sit through several lunches at work this week where people (namely my bestie DD—bitch lol) was eating food that a week ago I was mowing down on, like McDonald’s and Buffalo Wild Wings and I didn’t strangle her OR steal a bite of her food.  That’s huge.

People keep telling me how strong, brave, amazing, etc I am and I don’t feel that way.  I just feel like this is something I HAVE to do in order to live my best life and be the best person I can.

One of my biggest fears of this whole thing is adjusting to eating after the surgery.  Immediately following surgery, my stomach will only be able to handle 1oz of anything at any given time.  That is practically nothing.  But this liquid diet and being starving thing has been going so well that my anxiety over the post-op eating and drinking has lessened quite a bit.  And the bonus is that they remove the part of the stomach where the hunger hormones grow so I won’t even FEEL hungry.  I will literally have to force myself to eat/drink which will definitely be a new phenomenon for me.

Today was my last day at work for 6 weeks.  It was sort of bittersweet.  But mostly sweet because I need a break in a bad way.  But I’m going to miss my people and the routine of it all.  Not working for six weeks sounds like a dream but I know as soon as I’m feeling better I’m going to be craving the structure of work, no matter how much that place makes me want to jump off a freeway overpass on any given day.  I keep telling myself that I’ll go back before the end of the six weeks if I’m ready and if my doctor will let me, but part of me thinks I should just enjoy the time off.

I was very encouraged by everyone at work wishing me well today.  It gets very easy to hate everyone and everything at my office but today kind of put it all into perspective and showed me that I have a ton of people rooting for me.

This was also the case when I decided to share my blog on social media.  It’s like you know you have all of these people in your life who love and support you, but it’s not until something big is happening that you’re reminded.  So thanks for reminding me.  You don’t know how much it means to me and how all of the encouragement and support and love has been on my heart and mind lately.

This whole process can feel kind of isolating.  I feel like no one really knows what I’m going through and even the friends and acquaintances that have gone through it aren’t going through it with me RIGHT NOW so it’s hard.  But I feel super positive and encouraged and supported by everyone in my life and that is going a long way in making this a success for me.  And the surgery hasn’t even happened yet!

I’m pessimistic on a good day and the fact that I’ve been able to do this liquid diet with little to no adverse side effects feels awesome.  I’m so surprised that I don’t even think I’ve had time to think that I should be proud of myself, but I hope it will come.

In the meantime, you can find me sippin’ on broth or protein drinks.  I’ve given up on the lettuce for now.  It’s very tiresome and boring to chew!

am i falling or flying?

Tomorrow, it will be two weeks until my surgery.

Which means that I’m starting my all liquid and lettuce diet pre-op diet.

I feel like my specific anxiety as it relates to the surgery has lessened through talking it out with my therapist and people who have had the surgery but my anxiety as a whole has gotten worse.  Instead of thinking about the specific things that worry me and not being able to sleep because of that, I’m just anxious in general and it’s hitting me throughout the day and not just at night when I can’t sleep.

Seven months ago when I decided I was going to have this surgery, I was so pissed and impatient that I was going to have to wait so long to have the surgery.  I had made the decision and just wanted it done and didn’t want to wait.  But I powered through and did what was required of me and now all of a sudden, I feel like it’s gone by too fast.

I didn’t appreciate the last time I ate (fill in the blank).  I should have gone to restaurant A, restaurant B, etc.  While I have spent most of the last 7 months eating whatever the hell I wanted because I knew I was having this surgery, I wish I would have slowed down and appreciated it more.

I work with people with addictions every day.  I support, encourage, chastise, admonish, yell at people who just can’t seem to stop using heroin or crack or marijuana or alcohol and I get so frustrated with them because “why can’t you just STOP doing it?”

In reality, it’s the same thing for me, but with food.  It’s easy for people whose every waking thought isn’t about what they’re going to eat, what they want to eat, how much their going to eat, etc to say “just stop eating so much” or “just cut back and try to work out more” just as it’s as easy for me to tell my offenders to put down the crack pipe or needle.  You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change.

And I finally reached the point where I’m ready to change.  I’m about to embark on this two week pre-op diet and I’m scared shitless that I’m not strong enough to do it.  I have never been able to stick with anything in regards to health/fitness/dieting but I know that I have to do this.

I want to do this.

I made the decision to change my life for the better and it’s terrifying.  But I’ve never been more hopeful and excited about the future and what it will bring me.  I’ve spent a lot of my life living for other people and now I’m taking the time to do what’s best for me and regardless of what happens, I know I will never regret that.

and the world spins madly on…

Welcome, newcomers!

Kidding.  But seriously, thank you for taking the time to check out my blog.  I want to document my journey through gastric sleeve surgery for myself to look back on.

Two years ago, I considered having bariatric surgery in order to help me overcome my weight issues, which have been a constant struggle for as long as I can remember.  A friend of mine from work had had the gastric sleeve earlier that year and was doing fantastic.  I wanted that for myself.  So I started looking into it, watched the required seminars online, did my research and had decided to do it.

And then I started telling people, and I was met with criticism.

“You’re not even fat enough.”

“You could just stop eating and exercise more.”

“That’s such a permanent decision.”

So, I let that be my decision.  Which is TOTALLY not like me at all (but perhaps it was two years ago) so I guess I’ve grown as a person since then.

The defining moment for me came in May 2017 after I returned from a vacation with my best friend in Seattle.  I was going through pictures and there was one that my bff had taken of me while we were whale watching and I literally broke down in tears.  I was SO disgusted with what I saw, with what I had let myself become.  I made the decision- RIGHT THEN- that I was going to start the process for having the gastric sleeve.  I went online, watched the seminars, registered as a patient, and the next day, I called and made my first appointment.

The next seven months would consists of blood work, tests, weigh-ins and monthly appointments with a doctor, nutritionist, and an exercise physiologist.  A lot of time, money, and energy went into the process, and usually I would have flaked out at some point, given the amount of time that went into everything, but I stuck with it and surprised myself, even.  I never missed or rescheduled an appointment, I did (most) everything they asked me to do (besides lose weight–more on that later) and when I got my approval a few weeks ago, I felt like a weight had been lifted.

I received my surgery date—January 23, 2018.  Almost shit a brick when she said the date.  The doctor had led me to believe the entire time it would be in January, but hearing the date just solidified everything and made it all SUPER real.  I was informed that I would have to begin my pre-op diet 2 weeks prior and that I was scheduled for an EGD (endogastroduodenoscopy) on 1/16/18 so that the surgeon can go in and make sure everything is okay for the surgery the following week.  At this point, I start my pre-op diet (4 protein shakes, 4 cups of lettuce, and all the low-sodium broth I can stomach a day for 14 days) in less than 2 weeks and I’m scared as hell that I am going to fail miserably.  I am also in the process of quitting smoking, which I have done before, but never so quickly and I’m terrified I won’t be able to do that, either.

So there’s a lot of feelings and emotions going on right now that I don’t quite know what to do with, which is a large reason I started this blog.

I am so nervous, but I am also so very hopeful and excited (two things I rarely am) about what lies ahead.  I know that even when I question my decision (during post-op pain, not being able to eat, during pre-op diet, etc) to do this, I will still be so grateful that I took the leap and did not allow other people–or fear– to get the best of me.

Here’s some stats:

Current Weight: 251

Highest Weight: 251

Goal Weight: 145 or lower

Height: 5’3

Clothing sizes: 3x; 22/24, sometimes 26 in pants

Biggest fears: hair loss, not losing weight, vomiting a lot, constipation, worsened acid reflux, fatigue, anxiety, mentally adjusting to not eating, dehydration, not losing enough weight pre-op, not being able to quit smoking, surgery being postponed.

Biggest Hopes: enjoying exercise, fitting in an airplane seat, less sweating, feeling healthy, not being ruled by food and eating, more confidence in my appearance.

There are a lot more hopes and fears but this is what is on my heart right now.  In general I feel like I have a lot more fears than I do hopes at this point, but I know in general, the benefits of going through with this outweigh any potential risks or downsides.

I intend to continue to update as I go through this process and I would love to hear from you if you are going through or have gone through this process, or if you just want to connect.

Goodnight!